What Will the Future Hold

What will the future hold? That is a question that I became obsessed with when Zoey was first diagnosed. Over the past couple of months I feel like my anxiety regarding that has decreased to the point that I really don't think about it too much. Well, at least that was the case until a few days ago.

I think the main reason my anxiety decreased was because Zoey has been doing so well. My biggest concern for her has always been her being able to make friends. However, since she started school I have been feeling more optimistic. She developed a friendship with Abbie (her BFF from school) all on her own. She has several different kids that say hello and goodbye each school day. At daycare, she is now interacting with the other kids and talks about them by name when she is at home. When you have been agonizing because those things weren't happening I think it is easy when they do to be so grateful that all the other things get glossed over.

Then the other day the stars aligned to remind me that things are not as great as I would like to make them out to be. It started when I read a blog post that someone posted in one of the groups I belong to. The title was The Unique Grief of Special Needs Parents. The parts of the post that got to me where the following:  

The social differences are much more noticeable at age nine than they were at five.  Instead of getting better, in many ways, the disability has worsened.  




But the hopes and dreams I had for my child die a little more each day as I watch him move forward in life.  When he was just five or six, I had hope that he would outgrow certain behaviors with age, that he would function better.  It was that hope that kept me going.  Yet here we are at age nine, and while some behaviors have improved, others have declined.

If you let your guard down for even a moment, some terrible incident will come slamming into you, reminding you that your child will never be like the others.  He will always be different.  

Excuse my language, but Fuck! Why can't I just be anxiety free for just a little while? Now I am back to looking at everything she does and analyzing it. Last night she was jumping up and down while watching a show and I told her to stop. Not because it was annoying me or anything, but because I didn't want it to be self-stim behavior. I hate that I went to that place. If she needs to stim, which I don't even think she was, then she should be able to do so in the comfort of her home.

It wasn't just this post that has my anxiety up. It was like the perfect storm. On Wednesday Zoey had a meltdown (albeit a mild one) at Tae Kwon Do. Then she wasn't listening and following directions and Scott was getting frustrated with her. He said something along the lines of "I don't want people to look at her (or treat her) like she is different" (I'm not sure which one it was). I told him, "she is different, whether you like to admit it or not". Then on Thursday Zoey was outright rude to her best friend. She told her "I don't want to see you. You aren't my best friend". Then 5 minutes later she is giving her a great big hug. Then when I picked her up from school she asked where Abbie was and why she wasn't going down the slide with her. But then when I asked her why she was rude to Abbie earlier she told me that she just wanted to be friends with Audrey (a girl that is in Abbie's class). I talked to her about how you can be friends with more than one person. "Oh. Ok mom. Thanks". That's the response I get. She just doesn't get social relationships. She doesn't see how saying what she said is just as hurtful as what the boys who made fun of her shoes earlier in the week. She has friends, but she doesn't understand what that really means.

Those things, those are the things that make reality come slamming back down. She has made so much progress since she was first diagnosed, and that does give me hope and I do think she is going to be happy. I think she will have good relationships. I just know that it won't always be easy and that kills me. That keeps me up at night.